The Handmaid of Fred

    In The Handmaid's Tale, written by Margaret Atwood, the main protagonist is Offred.  Living in the theocratic society of Gilead where the pregnancy rate is steadily decreasing, she plays the role of a handmaid; a woman who bears children for the upper class society.  As a handmaid, she is obliged to don a shapeless robe "the colour of blood" and a headdress of "white wings" to prevent others from glimpsing her face (8).

   Caught between the overturn of the democratic government, her life changes drastically from a society where women are free to roam where they desire and speak their mind to being "a rat in a maze [that] is free to go anywhere, as long as it stays inside the maze" and fearing every conversation is being overheard by the government's many eyes and ears (155).  Before the totalitarian government took over, she was involved in a relationship with Luke, and had a young daughter.  But when the family could no longer withstand the ridiculous new laws, they decided to sneak across the border to a neighboring country not caught up in this turmoil.  Unfortunately, they are caught and separated; since then, Offred has not seen them.   She was then imprisoned and trained to be a handmaid because her daughter confirms that she is one of the few who are able to become fertile.  All handmaids are then sent to different elite households, in her case, the family of Commander Fred (handmaids are named after their Commander) and his wife, Serena Joy. 

    Motivation is a rare emotion when your future is one straight path already laid out for you.  For Offred, it is very much the same, however her spirit is not yet broken by the strict society.  She is motivated by a sliver of hope that she might see her best friend, Moira, again because Moira was also sent to be a handmaid but was only shipped off after several attempts to escape.  But most of the time, Offred is like most other handmaids, they desire the afterlife: "Death is a beautiful woman, with wings and one breast almost bare; or is that Victory?" (156).  However, the government is aware of their wishes so every object that they may harm themselves with is put out of reach. 

   In an imperfect society, many problems arise; Offred is faced with both internal and external conflicts.  Although Commanders and their handmaids should not develop any special relationship, Offred's Commander is different, when his wife is out Offred is invited into his study where they play Scrabble and end her visit with a requested tender farewell kiss.  Before the secret meetings, every time she is required to participate in the Ceremony where the Commander and she bed, in hopes of impregnating her, she feels emotionless as though she is only fulfilling a duty.  Afterward, "he occupies space, he is more than a shadow" but she doesn't "love the Commander...he's only of interest to [her]" which makes her confused and wondering if what she is doing is right because their arrangements are "prohibited by law and punishable by amputation" (153)(145).  An external conflict that Offred is involved in is with Serena Joy, the Commander's Wife. As a wife and a woman, Serena is envious of Offred's ability to become fertile and perhaps land a place in her husband's heart and because of this "she doesn't speak to [Offred], unless can't avoid it" (13). But though the handmaid is "a reproach to her", she accepts the fact that Offred is "a necessity" (13).

Just Missing You

If only I had known,

That your special day would be the last,

The last that you would appear in my chapter of life,

Maybe I would have allowed

Those swirling emotions locked in chains

In my heart consume me and

Let them be known to you.

Those last words

Would have ended with 'forever';

A farewell so unexpected and clever,

For a blade grew within me.

A metallic glint of  resentment,

Passed through my heart.

Once. Twice. And again.

But if I could turn back time,

Undoubtedly I would spend the time with you 

The same;

As we had before.

Every last minute

To the very end,

Even if it means good-bye.

-                     Happy Valentine's Day *

Staring into the Eyes of a Vegetarian Tiger

    Challenges are obstacles that appear everywhere on our road of life, whether it is a fluorescent yellow roadblock or a rock the size of your fist, these hurdles cause problems that make our life harder.  There are many different causes of these troubles, for example, lack of self-confidence due to previous failures, or running away from these issues like trying to find a side path that at first may seem empty of problems but only leads to a point of no return.  And sometimes, it is not a cliff or a ditch in the middle of the road but a reflection of yourself, the you who is standing there seems to radiate doubt, every time you try to walk past, doubt floods your mind and swallows up your reasoning, you can never get past.  The greatest challenge is yourself.  Personally, fear is one of the greatest challenges of all that I need to deal with every single day, whether it is a spider running loose in my house or forgetting to wake up for school, if not face immediately the spider might reappear or I might be punished for arriving late to class.  But one of the greatest challenges I had to face involved an elastic rope, a bridge, a plunge and of course, my fear of heights.

   "Hey.  Hey! Wake up, we're here!"

   I am knocked back into reality from the world where pencils can talk and books can ambush strangers.  Forcing my eyes open, sunlight streams in, momentarily blinding me with a sudden white light.  Slowly adjusting, I make out the azure sky painted on top of the green and brown forest.

   "Aaaaaaaagh!" someone screams.

   A sharp pain blooms from the top of my head as I bolt upright.

   "What was that?" I ask nervously.

   "Oh hey, you're up.  Welcome to Ambow, Washington!  Oh wait, I mean Amboy... Never mind, anyways we're finally here!"

   "Huh?" I stare back blankly at my cousin's glowing face.

   Ignoring my dull reply, she scrambles out of the car and skips over to my parents who are standing in line for tickets.  As I stride over, I slowly realize that not only is there a forest but also a bridge and on the bridge are people stepping off followed by a curdling scream.  Reality hits me like a wave that engulfs a surfer; we are going bungee jumping when my worst fear of all is heights.

   "Please Mom, Dad, I'm NOT doing that!" I plead pathetically.

   "Come on, we've already bought the tickets and your Dad and I are certainly NOT jumping off a bridge anytime soon."

   "Haha, what a chicken, won't even have some fun because she's afraid of heights!" my cousin teases.

   Anger and shame boil up inside of me, fists clenched I seethe: "Fine!  I'll go!"
   Regret floods me instantly as I try to hold back the tears that are welling up.

   "Click.  Click.  Click."

   Each click of the buckles on the harness seem like the second hand on a clock counting down to my dreaded jump.  My stomach seems to be dancing to a dissonant tune as it flips and turns violently.  Permanent holes are burning into the back of my head as other tourists watch curiously as a wash of red creeps up from the back of my neck and slowly dominates my face.  My palms are sticky with perspiration, my legs are trembling and despite the warm autumn currents gently flowing past there are chills running down my spine like ice-cold, ghostly fingers being dragged down my back.  I manage to inch my way onto the jumping point.  Peering down, I see a man the size of my fist waiting for my plunge.

   "Whenever you're ready."

   At that very moment, my legs decide to have a mind of their own and root themselves to the creaking wooden planks.  The rest of the world disappears from my senses.  Wind whistles a whining tune past my ears.  Adrenaline is pumping blood into my brain causing a constant thumping inside my head.  "Water!" my mouth screams as my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.  The trees seem sharper than before, the greens are more vibrant, the sun is blinding.  Blocking off all my senses, I step off the platform.

   "So this is what it feels like to be flying." is the first thought that comes to my mind.

   Peeking through the slits of my eyes I am mesmerized by the rush of browns, greens, and blues enveloping me.  A strong force blows back my hair, streaming it out behind me, there is nothing holding me, I am free, free to fly like a bird.  A brown and gray mess is growing in the corner of my vision.  Suddenly I realize that my fate is to die sprawled and bloody on the rocky surface.

   "This is your fault, I should have never listened to your stupid taunts." are the last words that enter my mind, or so I thought.

   "Twaaaaang."

   My eyes snap open as I fall back into my body when a sudden jolt runs through my body like an electric shock.  Tattered, brown hiking boots, baggy khaki jeans, a black jacket and a friendly face appear before me, all upside down.   Uncontrollable laughter escapes my lips as the maniacal sound bounces back from all four sides of the rocky cliffs filling the empty autumn breeze with my laughter.

   Although jumping off the bridge may seem like a very big challenge, the movements and actions required to do so are very simple, just merely moving both legs forwards would complete the jump.  The most difficult part of all is telling your legs to move in that manner when the whole time, your mind is screaming in denial and negative thoughts are filling every possible corner in your mind.  Our mind is what makes us unique and one-of-a-kind, makes us ourselves, that is why the greatest challenges we face are usually psychological and when conquered once, will never pose as an obstacle again.  Similarly if we look into the eyes of a tiger, who is a herbivore, the first thought that crosses your mind is most likely "Run!" even if you know through facts and reason that the tiger will not eat you.  It is our psychological fear, what we have been taught and our instinct that tell us to bolt out of the cage of the vegetarian tiger who will not harm us; that is why the greatest challenge is with ourselves.